Friendships and more

I've always had female friends. At that, I've always had more female friends than male friends, at a 60/40 clip. But never before have my female to male ratio been so askew. I have 6 friends here in Minneapolis. Five females and one male. The male friendship is something recent. It's never been so difficult to click with people of the same sex before. And a conversation I had today with Mike confirmed why.

Last night my friend Rebecca's band played at the Dinkytowner. I've never been the biggest fan of their music, but she's a good friend and I've seen them perform many times now. There was no way I was going to miss the CD release party.

Mike asked how last night went. I explained that it was nice seeing Rebecca, even though I'm not a fan of her band's music. He queried me on who Rebecca was, though he's met her recently, and when I explained that she was a friend, his response captured the answer to my male-male friendship struggle, "oh, your new crush."

Nope, Rebecca has never been a crush. I explained I could be friends with woman without wanting to date her. My struggle creating friendships comes down to the Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal's conversation in When Harry Met Sally. Crystal's character explained that men and woman can never be just friends. That sex will always get in the way. I just don't buy it. I know from my experiences here, though, that that train of thought is prevalent in my age bracket. I can't pretend that all Minnesotans think this way. I just don't know if that's the case. To say all of anything or even most wouldn't be accurate without more research.

But I do know that through my experiences here - on more than one occasion - men have assumed I was interested in dating them if I showed interest in building a friendship. I also know that - on even more occasions - women have also be believed I wanted to date them under the same situation. I've had to explain to both sexes that I have no interest in dating them. I'm not gay. I just don't know anyone here. And I'm capable of being friends with a female without sex getting in the way. And on two occasions, women have believed that I was gay because I didn't make a move on them when the opportunity arose. The cultural transition to Minneapolis has been more difficult than any adjustments my body has made to the weather.

I guess I could have told Mike that, "sure, Rebecca's a crush, but not in the way you think it." I crush on people - men or women - that I meet and think are amazing. They are platonic crushes, with no sexual desire behind them. Sometimes I meet someone and I think, "Wow, this person is great. We view things very similarly." I'll want to get to know them better. But this desire to learn about my new friend can be misinterpreted as non-platonic interest. This never happened in California. My feelings were never misconstrued. Someone showing interest in you as a person was flattering, but not a sign that they wanted to sleep with you.

Can men and women be just friends? From my over all experiences, yes, without a doubt. From my experiences in Minneapolis, yes, it's definitely possible but it takes more communication to lie out the ground rules of the relations.

The same can hold true for friendships between men. Making your intentions clear heads off much of the confusion that can cloud things later.