Filling a Niche

As a follow up to the previous entry, most Minnesotans have all of the friends they need by the time they reach my age. Friendships here were first made in high school, college or their first jobs out of school. All of which are times when you are searching for your niche in life. I met most of my longstanding friends during that same period of my life. Well - not during college, because I didn't go to school until I was well into my mid-twenties, nor have I held onto many of my friendships from high school. Only recently, thanks to MySpace, Friendster and more recently FaceBook, have I reconnected with friends from high school and below. The idea that people are into their 20s and 30s and are still close to the people they had detention with for throwing that spitball in the 10th grade is foreign to me.

Lost amongst the thousands of classmates at any of the local universities, students are eager to belong. Movies such as John Singleton's Higher Learning captured this perfectly. As a 29-year-old undergraduate student, most of my classmates are up to a decade younger than me. Reaching out to someone who has few of the same memories, pop culture references or experiences as me have proved to be fruitless.

Meeting people off strictly platonic on Craigslist has had its positive and negatives. Two of my good friends here were made on there. But I've also had even more come in and out of life in the last two years. I've posted three times now, always looking for men or women, but the responses have surprised me. Although it clearly states “Strictly Platonic,” more often that is a veiled method of searching for a date without being as forward as the M4W or W4M posts.

When the responders aren't looking to partner up, they are looking to fill a niche. As I said, most people my age have their friends, unless you fill a void that he or she's current group of friends aren't. Here's one example: I met a girl through Craigslist. We didn't have much in common, but we did enjoy each others company. But the company only had two venues that were applicable. One, we'd get coffee. Well, I'd get chai because I don't drink coffee. And two, we'd watch a movie. Usually we'd watch the movie at my place. A few times we did watch it at the theater. Each time I'd try to change our pattern I'd be rebuked. She was comfortable watching movies and getting coffee, but everything else felt off the table. Through her I was introduced to another girl. We've never hung out, but since she has seen me at First Avenue several times, I've fallen into the niche of a fellow concert attendee. We've talked about hanging out a few times, always about future shows.

A couple weeks back, my friend Kathy expressed frustration with being delegated to a niche. I remained quiet listening to her vent. Her feelings were so raw. She was so frustrated. I’d felt these feelings myself. I’d expressed these same words. That moment you realize that a friendship can only go so far, that you filled a need for them, but you were not getting any closer, that moment stings like few others. Investing energy into something or someone only to realize it was all for not. I can decide whether the niche is rewarding enough, or whether I need to move on. I’ve been in both positions. I still don’t know which one is better.