Exploring Minneapolis

Johnny is still in town from San Francisco. Thursday night we had late night drinks at the CC Club. I think he enjoyed watching and comparing his hipster to our hipsters - the assortment of cold weather accessories and selections on the jukebox. Late night drinks led directly to late night snow angels. We had brunch at Sunnyside Up Cafe in Uptown, favorite of mine, for its mix of neighborhoodies, hipsters, families. It's rare that you see everyone in one restaurant. That's also the reason I love the Hexagon Bar, off Hiawatha, so much.

I took him around Lake Calhoun and Harriet yesterday. His Converse Chuck Taylor's were probably not the best winter shoe selection. The more we walked around the less feeling he had in his toes.

Johnny quote of the day: "Everything is so pretty. I could live in this. I just need to figure the shoe thing out."

Today I pawned him off on my best friend here and my roommates, while I worked. He spent an hour in the MIA, which was far from enough for him. Tomorrow will be a full day: tubing at Buck Hill, Frida exhibit at the Walker, a quick jaunt through the sculpture garden, the back to the MIA, a tour of the skyway before a movie at Block E.

Filling a Niche

As a follow up to the previous entry, most Minnesotans have all of the friends they need by the time they reach my age. Friendships here were first made in high school, college or their first jobs out of school. All of which are times when you are searching for your niche in life. I met most of my longstanding friends during that same period of my life. Well - not during college, because I didn't go to school until I was well into my mid-twenties, nor have I held onto many of my friendships from high school. Only recently, thanks to MySpace, Friendster and more recently FaceBook, have I reconnected with friends from high school and below. The idea that people are into their 20s and 30s and are still close to the people they had detention with for throwing that spitball in the 10th grade is foreign to me.

Lost amongst the thousands of classmates at any of the local universities, students are eager to belong. Movies such as John Singleton's Higher Learning captured this perfectly. As a 29-year-old undergraduate student, most of my classmates are up to a decade younger than me. Reaching out to someone who has few of the same memories, pop culture references or experiences as me have proved to be fruitless.

Meeting people off strictly platonic on Craigslist has had its positive and negatives. Two of my good friends here were made on there. But I've also had even more come in and out of life in the last two years. I've posted three times now, always looking for men or women, but the responses have surprised me. Although it clearly states “Strictly Platonic,” more often that is a veiled method of searching for a date without being as forward as the M4W or W4M posts.

When the responders aren't looking to partner up, they are looking to fill a niche. As I said, most people my age have their friends, unless you fill a void that he or she's current group of friends aren't. Here's one example: I met a girl through Craigslist. We didn't have much in common, but we did enjoy each others company. But the company only had two venues that were applicable. One, we'd get coffee. Well, I'd get chai because I don't drink coffee. And two, we'd watch a movie. Usually we'd watch the movie at my place. A few times we did watch it at the theater. Each time I'd try to change our pattern I'd be rebuked. She was comfortable watching movies and getting coffee, but everything else felt off the table. Through her I was introduced to another girl. We've never hung out, but since she has seen me at First Avenue several times, I've fallen into the niche of a fellow concert attendee. We've talked about hanging out a few times, always about future shows.

A couple weeks back, my friend Kathy expressed frustration with being delegated to a niche. I remained quiet listening to her vent. Her feelings were so raw. She was so frustrated. I’d felt these feelings myself. I’d expressed these same words. That moment you realize that a friendship can only go so far, that you filled a need for them, but you were not getting any closer, that moment stings like few others. Investing energy into something or someone only to realize it was all for not. I can decide whether the niche is rewarding enough, or whether I need to move on. I’ve been in both positions. I still don’t know which one is better.

Friendships and more

I've always had female friends. At that, I've always had more female friends than male friends, at a 60/40 clip. But never before have my female to male ratio been so askew. I have 6 friends here in Minneapolis. Five females and one male. The male friendship is something recent. It's never been so difficult to click with people of the same sex before. And a conversation I had today with Mike confirmed why.

Last night my friend Rebecca's band played at the Dinkytowner. I've never been the biggest fan of their music, but she's a good friend and I've seen them perform many times now. There was no way I was going to miss the CD release party.

Mike asked how last night went. I explained that it was nice seeing Rebecca, even though I'm not a fan of her band's music. He queried me on who Rebecca was, though he's met her recently, and when I explained that she was a friend, his response captured the answer to my male-male friendship struggle, "oh, your new crush."

Nope, Rebecca has never been a crush. I explained I could be friends with woman without wanting to date her. My struggle creating friendships comes down to the Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal's conversation in When Harry Met Sally. Crystal's character explained that men and woman can never be just friends. That sex will always get in the way. I just don't buy it. I know from my experiences here, though, that that train of thought is prevalent in my age bracket. I can't pretend that all Minnesotans think this way. I just don't know if that's the case. To say all of anything or even most wouldn't be accurate without more research.

But I do know that through my experiences here - on more than one occasion - men have assumed I was interested in dating them if I showed interest in building a friendship. I also know that - on even more occasions - women have also be believed I wanted to date them under the same situation. I've had to explain to both sexes that I have no interest in dating them. I'm not gay. I just don't know anyone here. And I'm capable of being friends with a female without sex getting in the way. And on two occasions, women have believed that I was gay because I didn't make a move on them when the opportunity arose. The cultural transition to Minneapolis has been more difficult than any adjustments my body has made to the weather.

I guess I could have told Mike that, "sure, Rebecca's a crush, but not in the way you think it." I crush on people - men or women - that I meet and think are amazing. They are platonic crushes, with no sexual desire behind them. Sometimes I meet someone and I think, "Wow, this person is great. We view things very similarly." I'll want to get to know them better. But this desire to learn about my new friend can be misinterpreted as non-platonic interest. This never happened in California. My feelings were never misconstrued. Someone showing interest in you as a person was flattering, but not a sign that they wanted to sleep with you.

Can men and women be just friends? From my over all experiences, yes, without a doubt. From my experiences in Minneapolis, yes, it's definitely possible but it takes more communication to lie out the ground rules of the relations.

The same can hold true for friendships between men. Making your intentions clear heads off much of the confusion that can cloud things later.

mel gibson and the pants @ nomad world pub

What Brought Me Here...

Ouch: Punched in the Chest - Yet Again.

Last night my best friend Johnny arrived from San Francisco. I did my best to prepare him for the cold he'd experience when he first stepped out of the airport. He watched yesterdays video blog and for the most part was ready - or so he thought. Driving through downtown Minneapolis was chaos. Streets seemed to be closed at every turn for snow plowing, which only delayed my picking him up.

Still 15 minutes away, Johnny calls to say he's arrived and that he feels as though he's been "punched in the chest." He goes onto ramble about this being the coldest thing he's ever experienced, will alcohol absorb differently, can we stop for long johns, if he lived here he'd drink constantly to stay warm.

I couldn't help but laugh. My friend in the car stared at me while I comforted Johnny. After pulling over at the gate and popping my trunk for Johnny's bags, with ice sealing covering my trunk, he struggled mightily, the winter sting spreading across all exposed skin, before finally getting his bags in the trunk and his body in the warm car. It reminded me of my first Minnesota winter experience three years ago. I'll never forget the burn in the pit my chest when I stepped off the plane, in awe of everything around me. In the Bay Area we had basically one season year round. Of course, there are slight variations with increased temperatures in the summer and more rain in the winter. But overall, the Bay Area does not have real seasons as we know them here. I've learned to enjoy the seasons here the longer I've been here. This past summer felt less humid and last winter felt less cold. The weather is easily manageable. It just takes a few more or few less layers.

Johnny had the basic top layers covered, but his hands were still exposed, and Johnny's lungs burned with the temperature flirting with below 0. After brief introductions between Kathy and Johnny, his first words in the car were, "I need some long johns." This afternoon was spent searching for long johns at Costco. before finding them at the Twin Cities own Target. We should have gone to target first, but Johnny's second comments also motivated the trip to Costco. "If I lived here, I'd drink whiskey all the time. Do people here drink a lot?"

Whiskey now in hand, new thick socks providing one more layer his pair of classic Converse tennis shoes and long johns protecting his lower regions, Johnny is venturing out tonight again with me for Mel Gibson & The Pants, a Twin Cities favorite of mine, at Nomad World Pub, which Rob van Alstyne previews here.

Show and Tell: Winter Clothes